I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
