You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
