Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
