I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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