Sorry, I don't speak sober.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
