Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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