i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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