I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
