Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
