I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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