Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
