chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
