Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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