I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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