I'm lost and stupid without you.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
honey bunches of taint.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
