I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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