Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
