i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize