Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's always time for handjobs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
