my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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