Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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