Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
