Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He better not be in your backpack
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
