That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
