i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
