maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
