My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
