Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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