it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We had to coat check the pizza.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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