So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
