I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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