peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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