Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found your dick twin last night
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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