The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
