god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
