Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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