Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
