"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
