He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
