Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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