youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
