tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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