So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
