Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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