That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
