i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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