you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
