We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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