do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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