is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
