Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
