Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
