we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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