puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
