The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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