she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
