my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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