The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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