could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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