You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
