I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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