He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
