Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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