K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
