and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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