Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize