When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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