I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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